I awoke One Night...

... after a very deep and powerful dream. Of course it was a dream within the dream for I was sleeping. It was 4:10am when I awoke.

This dream I had was very intense. It was primarily about certain things I silently felt as a child around my mother. I was raised by my beautiful mother. My father I visited weekly when all went according to plan. I won't write the details of the dream for now—just to say that in the dream I was at my age now, yet in a house we lived in when I was from 5-10 (or so), and in the dream I wanted to tell my mother that I would no longer put up with her emotional stuff.
This was of course my ego trying to project out and attack my mother.
In the dream I actually lost my voice and could hardly talk when I tried to say what I wanted to say to my mother.
Many things unfolded. It was all relatively profound and vivid.
What seems important to me is the insights that came to me over some hours in the early morning after I woke up from that dream. These insights are what I feel to share with you now.

This first part is a very quick look at some of the things I have seen play out within the illusion. I am going to be explaining all these things from the perspective of the ego—and it's Dream world—which is what's playing all this stuff out anyway. When I refer to 'the dream' in the writing below, I am refering to the day-to-day dream—not the one I had

Read on...

In this dream I felt threatened by my mother's repressed pain, feelings and emotions. As a child I felt threatened. I felt that I would lose what I held dear—my source of motherly love, acceptance, approval etc. I felt I would lose this of this was threatened by my mothers wounds and repressed emotions. Many of these repressed emotions related to a deep seated lack of self-love and acceptance. I felt all that and I really didn't like it. I took these things on—the virus spreading from one mind to another—and at some level I ceased loving and accepting myself, and I started to resent my mother and not accept her either. What a mad dance.

So, I became insensitive to these emotions. I tried to desensitise. I formed a disdain or disregard for them—in my attempt to escape them and avoid feeling that my mother was not truly loving me for she didn't yet love herself. But this naturally meant I ended up with a disregard for my own emotions which brought about losing the very things I feared losing—I now had lost them within myself. I lost my own sense of self-love, self-acceptance, and self-approval. And I became the emotionally repressed image I saw and rejected in my mother. The ego is quite mad.

I had been selfish toward my mothers feelings. The feminine.
My ego was more concerned about what it meant to me and what it would cost me if she broke down and could no longer emotionally hold things together in my childhood world. Of course I didn't see it all this way back then. I was just a child navigating my way through my moment to moment experience.

I guess this was quite an acceptable feeling for a child ego to respond. Yet, it set up a pattern that is self-centred and no longer appropriate for me to be playing out.

A pattern that has resulted in me feeling fear when faced with unharmonious emotions—especially those that hang around wounds in women that I love. One way I found around this was to pull back my love so that it could not be threatened (what an Illusion that one is, for what can threaten Love?). Yet this pulling back would only more deeply trigger the wounds in the woman I love and result in greater turmoil than before, and hence bring about the very thing I was so afraid of—emotional instability resulting in a lose of love and acceptance and approval from the people around me with whom this played out.

If I am self-loving, self-accepting and self-approving then I would in no way seek this in 'the other' and hence I would not fear losing it. Nor would I try to covertly ensure my safety when faced with apparent emotional woundedness in my mother or any woman I am with.

I can see that my mother and her mother both struggled with accepting themselves as women, let along as Divine Beings. Within this illusion, both had deep wounds they didn't want to feel. One of the ways my Grand Mother avoided these feelings was by drinking and she was an alcoholic as a result. She never drank much. But just one glass was enough to send her into nana land.

In my world, my mother would avoid feelings by staying in her mind. I have played out both of these avoidance techniques in my life. I've gone through addictive patterns and the pattern of staying in my mind in order to avoid fully felling things emotionally.

In my world, my father also had both of these patterns. Addiction to work and emotional avoidance through staying in the head/mind. Talk to him about something emotional and it's as if a brick wall just went up about 1 centimetre in front of my face. The power of denial is amazing within this dream. I can see that his mother was quite likely also struggling to love herself—although she hid it pretty well. She also—like my mother—had a very strong mind. Although eventually her mind dissolved and rooted away. She died of Alzheimer disease.

I can see a pattern in my family where the men have lacked self-love and had a wound self-esteem. They have often felt overwhelmed by the emotion of the women in their life and eventually ended up killing themselves by attacking their hearts. Heart attacks have been pretty common in my family. Of course it is only their own emotion they are struggling with—but I am describing the way this all looks from within the Dream / illusion we are in.

So this whole pattern—a virus of the mind—has been like a record going round and round on repeat. It just keeps playing out the same story. From one mind it spreads to the next. Like an insidious virus infecting the Perfection within each of us and eventually killing it's host after having already replicated itself to one or more other hosts.

I can see that the virus handed on through the generations of men has been something about being overwhelmed by emotion and closing off the heart/love out of fear and guilt for being more concerned about how this emotional wound might impact on them and their life. This has brought about a hatred of man within woman—which of course if a projection of self-hatred.

The man's fear of losing woman's love and acceptance is also a projection of self-hatred—for if man loved and accepted himself he would not be fearing losing these things from woman.

The whole thing is actually all about the same thing—for both the men and the women. Self-Love. Self-Acceptance. Self-Approval. A lack of these things brings about war.

The whole madness is the result of a 'virus' that infected man and woman with self-hatred. This is a 'virus' the ego created and spreads willingly for it keeps us from breaking out of the Illusion. I get the feeling this 'virus' has been created out of guilt.

Guilt about what?

Now I move on to the collective war between man and woman...

Click the link to read on...